Forgiving Myself

The Courage to Forgive Myself

“How could you do that?” – was a question I asked myself many times daily.

When I was a newly recovering addict, I had such a pile of regrets there was just no way that I could ever be forgiven.

Ruminating about the depth of my shame caused increasing feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. I resented and loathed myself so much that for months getting up out of bed and functioning for a day was the only goal I set.  Focused on what a horrible person I was, I felt that I wasn’t deserving of anything good at all.

Even as I went through active addiction over that past 10 years, I was close to God. I attended a women’s bible study and church service on Sunday. I believe that because I had been searching for God and wanting him to help me, he heard me and got me to where I needed to go: a superb treatment facility for my addictions. After completing treatment, I believed that Jesus had forgiven me, but I didn't feel forgiven. I felt hopeless and defeated.

Everywhere I went, everything I did, I dragged along an armful of musty smelling old luggage with name-tags hanging from the handles saying “shame.” I was forever in a state of self-flagellation. I couldn't forgive myself.

Imprisoned by memories that might never let me go, I was surviving but not living. I became despondent. I was in bondage. I believed that forgiving myself would meant that I wasn't taking any responsibility for what I did. I wanted to take responsibility and never repeat those bad behaviors again.

Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I had lived like that for 9 years. Insanity was no longer an option.

In Hickory, North Carolina, there is a day weekday shelter program specifically for women that provides safety, shelter, and a positive program. There is a van that picks women up at the homeless shelter around 8:30 am or you can walk there yourself.  Days are structured. Walking into in building in the morning, you sign in and take a point’s sheet. Listed are ways that you earn points to get toiletries, underwear, socks, umbrellas, clothes, cosmetics and bus passes. Friday is the day you can cash in your points.

Every weekday the program starts at 9 am with Bible study and devotions. A volunteer usually comes in and leads the session. Afterwards, until lunch, there are various activities like playing games, doing crafts, reading, cleaning, watch a movie, play bingo, etc. until lunch.

One day I was reading a book I borrowed at the day program to earn points titled Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer. She explained how she was having a difficult time feeling forgiven about some things she had done in her life even though she knew God had forgiven her. She realized that problem was that she hadn't forgiven herself.

That was an epiphany for me. Realizing that not forgiving myself was not doing anything positive for me

or anyone else that I had wronged, I mentally summed up the courage and was willing to try to forgive myself.

Within only a day’s time, I felt more optimistic. I envisioned dropping off that armful of baggage that I had lugged around with me and continued walking down life's highway without them. I didn't look back; I just walked forward down the road. I felt the sun on my face. I would not let my past behaviors define me. Increasing my faith in God was necessary if I was going to get back on track and start doing positive things in my life.

I told God that I was sorry for not forgiving myself. If God forgave me, why wouldn't I forgive myself?

Nothing is more powerful and freeing than forgiveness. If I hadn’t forgive myself it would mean that I believed the lies of what a worthless person I was that Satan put in my head. My thoughts and feelings don’t always originate from me. Don’t underestimate the power of evil. Remember the devil recited scripture when he was tempting Jesus in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1). I experienced a freedom. I could now choose what I wanted to focus on.

By letting go of the fear that I would repeat my atrocious past behavior, I put my trust in God that he would help me not repeat those behaviors if I only asked and followed His will for my life. Since February of 2011 I have poured my love and attention into what God wants me to do. I opened myself to the idea of hope through forgiveness. I just had to try.

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30.