Bad News

There aren't going to be any new postings for at least a few weeks. I broke my right hand and I'm right-handed and this one character at a time thing with left hand is very irksome to me, a person who types 73 wpm. I promise, I will post as soon as it doesn't make me feel like using my laptop as a Frisbee.

There is No Limit

It’s very difficult trying to help the homeless. The more time passes since my homelessness, the more I want to just distance myself from all the remaining homeless. It’s depressing to see hurting people and I’m tired of being depressed. Part of my reasoning for helping other homeless is that since I have been there before, I feel that I have better insight about what people need to do to get out of their desperate situation; at least I know what worked for me. Most times, people I try to help feel that no matter what they do, they don’t have any power to create any positive change in their lives. They focus on the negatives of the situation they are in and as a result don’t do anything to help themselves.

Sure there are times that you try and try and try and don’t seem to get anywhere. For example finding work. I am still looking for work. I have filled out way too many job applications online and met and talked to owners and managers of businesses with no avail. I am also working through vocational rehabilitation and have a job coach. I know I have to keep on doing what I am doing even though it’s pointless at times and I will tell you why.

An old friend of mine, Albert has been homeless for about 4 years. He is a white veteran in his early 30s. He does not look for employment and has the same whiny rhetoric about his plight of being homeless and jobless year after year. Who is more apt to get a job – the person who is applying and searching or the person who whines about not having work? Yes, your life sucks and I see that you are unhappy but you have been doing the same things and whining about the same things for 4 years! Since you aren’t any better off than 4 years ago, whatever you are doing is definitely not working. Try doing something different! Life is more than selling your $200 of food stamps for $100 cash so you can buy marijuana. You deserve more! You are the righteousness of God meaning that you are in a right relationship with God thanks to the death and resurrection of His son, Jesus Christ.

Pain and suffering are part of everyone’s life regardless of socioeconomic status. When you pray to God, ask him to allow you to experience His love and comfort (consolation and encouragement) in a tangible way. When you are feeling bad, crawl up onto the lap of God, hide your face in the softness of his chest, cry and allow yourself to feel him rock you, his arms holding you close to Him. Allow yourself to feel the unfathomable and immeasurable love that the Father has for you.

When I get frustrated with people I will say to myself, “Why should I try to help these people. All they want is something given to them for free. I was there, and I’m not now. Their homelessness is their problem, not mine. Why do I want to surround myself with such depressing people? They don’t want to do anything to help themselves so why should I try?” To help put myself back into the proper mindset for helping others, I turn to the bible.

Today I am reading II Corinthians. When I start feeling like I want to distance myself from the homeless I need to tell myself that I am judging them and that’s not right. Judging is God’s job. How many times did someone try to help me and I turned a deaf ear to them? How many times did God listen to me whine? There is no limit to God’s love, therefore there won’t be any limit to my reaching out to people in need of a lifeline. My service to the homeless will also know no limit. Although I do not receive any financial compensation for my time my reward comes from the thankfulness I have in my heart for God helping me get away from drugs and showing me the path to walk down to restore my life. That is also where the title of my ministry – Pathway Outreach Ministries – comes from.

My job is to bring grieving people comfort and hope. I listen to them, and I explain what happened to me and what the mercy and grace of God did for me. I introduce others to Christ and the rest is up to God. My dream is for every homes person to feel the joyful and confident expectation that they will not be homeless for the rest of their lives. God is on their side, he’s their greatest cheerleader, and what they do does matter and can make a difference.

If you would like to donate to Pathway Outreach Ministries, please contact me at paulaheilbrun@hotmail.com.

His Time Ran Out Today

            You just never know what is going to happen when you get up in the morning. Today was one of those days.

            Today I went to Cooperative Christian Ministries pharmacy to drop off medicine bottles to be refilled. I was not noticing who was sitting in the main lobby when I walked through the door but suddenly I felt a tickle in my brain. Were a guy’s shape and the coat he wore familiar? While rifling through my backpack I turned my head and looked over towards the lobby. The breath in my throat caught. Yes, I definitely knew this man. I finished my errand and walked back through the lobby the way I came in and didn’t make any eye contact with him whatsoever.

            After I got outside I found the non-emergency police phone number in my phone and pressed send. I was patched to a Hickory policeman working desk. I explained the situation, told him where this guy was, and hoped for the best. This was actually the third time trying to get this guy served. I walked into the adjoining CCM thrift shop, bought 4 coffee mugs and started on my way back home. While going down the road I saw a police car traveling slowly toward CCM. Was it possible that they were indeed coming to arrest this guy? I turned my bike around and went back to CCM. I found two cop cars in the parking lot but there weren’t any policemen in them. Putting my bike in the bike rack, I could see two policemen through the window talking to Richard Lawrence Robinson in the lobby. I didn’t lock up my bike but instead walked directly into the lobby.

            I was determined to not let this guy get away with this any longer. I told the police that he was the assailant and I was the victim. I also looked at the assailant, “Today is the day your time has run out.” He acted so bewildered and unknowing of any criminal summons the police were telling him about. After I knew they were going to take him in, I took my bike and started towards home again. When I looked back over my shoulder, I saw the police frisking him with his hands on the police car. They then cuffed him and helped him into the police car. My feelings and adrenaline were overwhelming. I was shaking so hard I could barely hold onto my phone. I had to talk to someone so I went to God in prayer and made it through the next hour the best that I could.

            This man in the lobby sexually assaulted me in November 2011. He took advantage of his position as a peer support specialist and my emotional state at the time when I was not only homeless but my boyfriend at the time was leaving me for someone he had found on the internet. The incident occurred in the office of The Grace House when it was on Highland Ave.

            When I went to the police station to fill out a report, the magistrate wasn’t sure if he was going to create a summons or put a warrant out for his arrest. The homeless aren’t treated as other people in the city would in similar circumstances so the magistrate issued a summons. On top of that the magistrate didn’t call what had happened sexual assault but assault against a female instead. I gave the police the only information I had on this man at the time. I didn’t personally know him so I didn’t even know his full name and certainly didn’t know his home address. The information I had wasn’t enough because they weren’t able find him to serve him.

            I wrote to the Special Victim’s Division Unit in Charlotte, North Carolina and I received a phone call from them only to tell me that there wasn’t anything they could do. They said when he goes to renew his ID or get a driver’s license or gets a ticket for something is when the police will finally catch up with him. There wasn’t anything I or they could do. 

            On my way home I began to worry. Did I just put my personal safety in danger by getting this man arrested? What about the safety of my boyfriend? People who had never been victimized don’t realize what being victimized feels like and how many times you have to relive the horror of the situation until it’s finally played all the way out. It’s the act itself, then having to explain the entire situation to a police officer, then having to explain the whole thing again to a magistrate, then having to explain it every time you try to get the police involved to get the assailant served, then it’s reliving the whole thing all over again when the guy is arrested, and the worry of repercussions to yourself or your family finally culminating in a court date all over the ILLEGAL BEHAVIOR OF SOMEONE ELSE. I still have court ahead of me. I’m sure that the assailant’s lawyer will try to make me out to be some promiscuous loose woman who pushed herself onto the assailant.

            Back in November of 2001 I was approached by a ‘pastor’ who told me that this poor man was just going through a lot and that I should just drop the charges. I was so dumbfounded at the time that I couldn’t think of any response to what he said. Looking back on it, I should have asked him if he would say the same thing to his mother or his sister if what had happened to me had happened to them.

            Whatever happens now is in God’s hands. I will accept whatever happens. I know that I wasn’t the first or only woman this guy has done this to. I have had other women come up to me and tell about things this guy said and did to them. I made a statement to Partners Behavioral Health where he had received his peer support specialist certification through and they immediately repealed his certification. His behavior was completely unacceptable to them and I hope the court will see it in the same fashion.

             

Successful Point in Time Count

In an effort to access the needs of the homeless in Catawba and Burke Counties, a Point in Time Count of the sheltered and unsheltered homeless individuals and families took place January 30^th, 2013. Also counted were those families and individuals who were looking at a eviction from their homes within the next 14 days. Despite the bad weather, we had a great turnout.

We conducted a demographic survey interview for every person who came to be counted at The Grace House in Hickory and First Methodist Church in Newton. This annual count is also a good time to give away items that the homeless say they are in need of. Items consisted of backpacks, socks, winter hats and gloves, flashlights, batteries, shoestrings, and toiletries. Once a survey interview was completed, participants were given a ticket to browse for free and receive a lunch graciously donated by Chick-fil-A.

These interviews provide the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development a snapshot of those who experience homelessness throughout the year. The Point-in-Time Count is a one-day, unduplicated count of homeless individuals and families throughout the country. This annual point-in-time count aims to measure homelessness over the course of one night every January.

This data provides documentation of the homeless issues and gaps in our community. This data drives local, state and federal funding for housing and program opportunities for seniors, veterans, unaccompanied youth, individuals with HIV/AIDS, individuals with mental health, substance abuse and intellectual disabilities, etc. – all the issues and gaps we discuss in our local community outreach meetings.

This was the first year I not only completed a survey myself, but also co-lead the collection with Teena Willis of Partners Behavioral Health at The Grace House location in Hickory. Many people I already knew either because I was homeless with them or had worked with them through Pathway Outreach Ministries which I am the director of. While I enjoyed meeting people one on one, I was heartbroken every time someone confessed that they didn't know where they were going to be sleeping that night.

Leaving Treatment - Part II

“You’ll be high as a kite after taking all those pills tonight won’t you?”

There was a call over the intercom after I finished dinner that my driver was waiting on me.

I went directly to my counselor’s office and told her that I refused to go. Once again, her face turned red. I just looked at her. She got up and told me to follow her and we went to the director’s office. It felt like this was a ‘her versus me’ situation although I didn't mean it to be that way. She told the director her story and then I respectfully (surprising myself) explained how beds were given out at an emergency shelter.

He didn't seem angry. He understood what I said, smiled and told me that they would try again tomorrow. My counselor and I didn't talk after that and I do feel bad about it. I never meant any disrespect to her and I know that my actions really pissed her off.

The next day I was ready to go once again as my name was called over the intercom about 1 pm. So far, so good. The driver and I loaded the car and away we went. I had been to Hickory about six times previously  because we would go to my X’s mom’s house on holidays; however, I only knew how to get to her house, Wal-Mart, and the mall. I had no idea where this shelter was. I also wondered how rough the clients at The Salvation Army Shelter would be. I had been at a homeless shelter in Greensboro, NC and let me tell you – it was rough - people who looked tough, crazy, or just scary.

I was thinking as we drove. “How am I going to play this out when I get to the shelter? I am going to try to appear tough, mad, and just a little bit crazy.” If you want people to leave you alone, just act like you are a few Crayolas short of a box. They will actually make a physical effort to stay out of your way.

I got there a little before 3 pm. The worker at the shelter came out and opened a locked gate for us. He told me I could leave my stuff in the shelter but I couldn't come in until 3:30 pm. He directed me down a hill next to the shelter where there stood as gazebo. I could wait there until it was time for the shelter to open.

The driver helped me carry my things into the building, and I thanked him. He wished me the best and said he was confident that I would be just fine. It felt good to hear that because I wasn’t feeling all that confident at that moment.

There is an attitude of desperation and self-preservation that many of the homeless people I met have had. They act somewhat like a crouched tiger; always ready to respond to whatever danger arises. When you are shoved together with a large group of persons of different backgrounds and many personalities, it can be precarious. You need to be ready to defend yourself verbally or physically if necessary. And it isn't a matter of IF something happens; something IS going to happen sooner or later.

I walked down to the gazebo. It was a cool and overcast outside. I wasn't there alone for very long. People who were staying at the shelter were allowed to come onto the property at 3 pm and wait at the gazebo until 3:30 pm. The people I met seemed very nice but I wasn't going to let my walls down. This was only a small sample of the people who stayed there.

Gazebo and uphill path to Shelter Door

At 3:30 pm the worker came out and called down to the gazebo that everyone could come up now. I followed the crowd.

While I was at treatment, I was prepping myself to be a different person than I had in the past. One of the areas that I needed to work on most was my people skills. I was so quick to go on the defense. The new me was going to remember that I don’t have to react- I can choose how to react. I wasn't going to be great at this for a while and that was OK. I would work on progress not perfection. I would have to practice this new non-reactive Paula much sooner than I expected.

Clayton was the shelter monitor who was working that day. He called me into the office right away and started completing the intake process with me.  First, I had to take a drug test. Of course I was clean. So he took me into his office, closed the door, and started explaining to me how things went at the shelter. He handed me a copy of the rules booklet and I followed along in the booklet with while he read it aloud. I initialed the bottom of every page. There were so many rules! There was no way that I was going to be able to remember all this. “Three strikes and you’re gone,” he said as he pointed to the door. Man, he was cocky. I was hoping I wasn't doomed to end up on the street.

After we had gone through the booklet, he asked for my medications- all medications, even aspirin and Tums, were kept in a cabinet in the shelter monitor’s office. One by one he picked up my medicine bottles as he filled out a medication form. When he finally finished I watched him put the bottles in a Rubbermaid container and place them in the cabinet.

He turned back to me and said, “You’ll be high as a kite after taking all those pills tonight won’t you?”

Oh wow, did he really say what I think he said?  My anger meter went from 0 to 10 in less than a second. I took a breath and reminded myself that I didn't have to react. “No, sir,” I said. I was angry but I was trying not to lose my bed over it. I had just gotten out of treatment and he knew that. How could he be so insensitive?

With that over with I followed him into a laundry room in the women’s area  where I was given a fitted sheet, a top sheet, a blanket, a pillow, a wash cloth and a towel and led down the hall to my room.

                                                ……………to be continued in part III

Epilogue: Clayton was fired two months after I had arrived at the shelter for inappropriate behavior which was caught on tape. He really went out of his way to make clients’ lives more miserable than they already were. He wasn't into giving any warnings for any rule infractions. He absolutely loved writing people up for minor infractions to the rules. In addition if someone got written up, he made sure that everyone else heard him call clients’ names to go into the office. 

SAMHSA Homelessness Prevention Webinar

I attended the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration Webinar on Homelessness Prevention 1/24/13. 

What I learned: Research shows that the best way to help the most people and be most successful in homelessness prevention programs is to use empirical (statistical) data to determine who can receive services. 

The part that tears my heart out is the fact that there are some people who don't fall into the qualifications for help will be left homeless. Families are one of the groups who showed a dramatic increase in numbers of homelessness. Let's pray and cry for those people who are unable to get the help they need.

Something to think about: In Japan and Europe, their citizens have a right to housing. It is in their "constitution." I'm not saying we should do that, but it is interesting to think about.

Homeless Shelter for Frigid Temperatures

Tonight the expected low temperature is 22 degrees. When the temperature gets below 32 degrees, any homeless person may sleep on the floor of the dining room of The Salvation Army Shelter of Hope. They will provide you with a mattress and a blanket. You need to be at the shelter at 10 pm in order to check in. This is a convenient place to sleep because they serve breakfast every morning at 7:30 am.

The address and phone number for The Salvation Army Shelter of Hope is:

The Salvation Army Shelter of Hope

780 3^rd Avenue Place SE

Hickory, NC 28602

828-322-8061

Bath Salts Danger

Bath salts used in a way never intended is a dangerous undertaking. 

http://www.drugfree.org/join-together/drugs/using-bath-salts-playing-russian-roulette-with-your-brain-expert-says

Homeless Women Count on the Rise

The increase of homeless women counts is a real scourge and sorry state of affairs in this country.

The fastest-growing group of homeless people in the United States is composed of single women with two or three children. Before the 1980s the homeless population was mostly composed of men.

Within the last two decades this country has begun to acknowledge the growing numbers of homeless women and children. Homeless women are rarely seen because they often find shelter with relatives, friends, or other homeless women. The majority of homeless women are on the streets because of divorce or escaping domestic abuse. Abandonment is also a key contributor to homelessness in women.

After the Great Depression, divorce rates dropped but abandonment rates rose suggesting that couples simply split rather than pursue a costly divorce. Decline of the welfare state and lack of affordable housing have also led to the increase of homelessness in women.

Not so long ago, women and children were rare at rescue missions and shelters. How times have changed! Today, homeless women with children are more common than ever. According to some estimates, between 70% and 90% of homeless families in America are headed by women. Even more significant, the population of homeless families has increased by 35% since 1989.

If you are homeless, at risk of becoming homeless, or know someone that is homeless, help is available. HUD, along with many other Federal agencies, funds programs to help persons who are homeless. Local homeless assistance agencies provide a range of services and assistance, including emergency shelter, food, housing counseling, job training and placement assistance.

For general information on available resources, please visit the Resources for Homeless Persons

http://www.hudhre.info.

Thank you to a guest contributing author who wishes to remain nameless.

Stereotyping the Homeless

A business owner in Hickory (who obviously isn't doing well since he/she has all this time to take photographs of people walking outside) composed this email to the Captain, Patrol Division Commander of Hickory (Hickory Police):

There has been a daily ongoing problem with people crossing over Hwy 127 between 1st and 2nd Ave, (near All-Glass) without benefit of using either crosswalk, at the traffic signals. I’m fairly confident that the majority of these people, are ‘homeless’, walking to over Christian Ministry on 1st Ave to get something to eat. Judging by the direction they are coming from, I feel they are most likely staying over at the Salvation Army on LR Blvd. I have witnessed, on several occasions, several of these people nearly struck by traffic traveling on Hwy 127. Sooner or later this will occur.

First of all let me ask: What makes these particular persons crossing the street “homeless?”

The Salvation Army Shelter of Hope is .9 miles from All Glass.The photographer cannot know where these people are coming from or going to.

People go to The Hickory Soup Kitchen for lunch, not CCM (Cooperative Christian Ministries). CCM has a Food Pantry for those in need, however you get much more food than any of these persons could carry on their own. I carry the food I get from the CCM Food Pantry home by tying recyclable shopping bags to my bike handlebars and I walk my bike home.

Most people that go to CCM and The Hickory Soup Kitchen are NOT homeless.

The  Hickory Soup Kitchen

Sometimes the cross walks aren't as safe as you hope. Monday, January 14^th I was walking my bike home from CCM with bags of food tied to the handlebars. I was walking down 2nd Av SE toward Tate Blvd., crossing over 127. The sign showed ‘walk.’ It was a good thing I looked at the street signal because it was red. If I would have walked when the pedestrian sign said to, I would have been hit. 127 is a busy street. The signal on the other side of the street was working fine.

There are many pedestrian signals in Hickory that show a man either walking or standing. The ‘don’t walk’, or standing picture of the man is supposed to have a red background but many signals are so worn that even the “don’t walk” signal has a clear background just like the “walk signal.” This can be confusing to people. Many of the signals in Hickory do not have “walk” and “don’t walk” lettering on them.

I tend to get defensive when people point the homeless out to be of a particular problem in the community. Take time to know the people in your community. You may be surprised who walks down the streets of Hickory.

Leaving Treatment - Part 1

After completing treatment in February 2011, I had no home to go to. While at treatment I had received court papers in the mail letting me know that I was not welcome home. Not welcomed home? I have no family here in NC. Where was I supposed to go? The kids' father was moving back to Hickory NC where his family was.

If the kids were going to Hickory, I was going to move to Hickory.

My counselor at treatment did some researching online and found a specialized facility in Hickory where recovering addicts and alcoholics could stay to get back on their feet. They accepted both men and women. She downloaded the application, I filled it out, and we faxed it along to the facility.

However after doing that I had some concerns about that facility. The paperwork said that while I was there, I was not allowed to go anywhere unattended. If I wanted or needed to go somewhere I needed to get approval and then I would have to have an escort with me. I couldn't go anywhere on my own.

That sounded very time-consuming. I could imagine wanting to go to the library for some books and having to fill out some form and then waiting and then asking about it a couple of days later because they didn't get back to me and then filling out another form because they couldn't find the first one and then waiting another day and then asking about the request again. Then the woman in charge of requests would say, "I have read your request and need to talk to so-and-so about it." Then waiting another couple of days and asking her about it again to be told that I could go to the library but they were trying to find someone to go with me. Then waiting another couple of days to be told that there wasn't anyone available now to escort me to the library, maybe next week someone would be free.

That wouldn't work out for me. I am the kind of person who is self-motivated and excels when I am on my own. I need to be in charge of my own recovery and not surrender it to some facility. My counselor and I imagined me walking right out the door and then what?

So, when I didn't get any reply from the faxed intake papers, I wasn't disappointed. I looked into staying at a halfway house but decided to stay at The Salvation Army Emergency Shelter. My counselor found out that they complete intakes from 3:30 pm until 7:30 pm daily.

When my exit day arrived a driver was scheduled to take me to the shelter in Hickory. Hickory is about an hour and a half from the treatment center. I was all packed up and it was 1 pm. Where was my driver? I knew beds at a homeless shelter are first come first served. I was going to get there late and then end up on the street. At 1:30 I went to my counselor and asked where the driver was. She called and said it would be at least another hour. I asked her if she knew about how beds at an emergency shelter were given out. I explained that if I got there later than and someone else got there ahead of me then I wouldn't have a bed. She said she couldn't do anything about that. I would have to leave when the driver was ready.

I could not believe that they would actually just dump me off somewhere to have me fend for myself. I started to prepare to get to Hickory and have no bed. I arranged for some other client/friends of mine in treatment to take some of my belongings so that I wouldn't have to lug around too much baggage on the street with me. I also made a sign that said, "Homeless. Please help. Thank you" out of half a cardboard box I got out of the dumpster at treatment. I didn't want to go hungry.

My counselor caught sight of the sign and her face turned red. She said that she couldn't believe that I did that. Did what? Why was she so mad? I truly didn't understand what was wrong.

No driver and now it was 5 pm, dinner time. I sat and ate with friends and one of them asked me why I didn't just refuse to go. He asked me, "What are they going to do, throw you out and lock the door? Doubtful." I did have private insurance and I figured that they would pay for an extra day.

    To be continued...                                                                                            

Somebody

Somebody

I dream of being somebody.

I used to work full-time.

I used to work and attend graduate school. I have headed data collection for grants which had my name on them. I presented my research at two national conferences and one international conference.

I earned an Associate’s, Bachelors, and Master’s Degree. I went as far a pilot project and dissertation away from a Ph.D.

I am trying to work.

I have a host of mental illnesses: Borderline personality disorder, Bipolar 1 Mre Depressed with Severe Psychotic Features, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and OCD.

I can be fine one day.

The next day I stay in bed all day.

Medication helps my mood stabilize, and I entertain multiple counselors, but it isn't enough.

The judge at the disability hearing last year,told that I could be a laundry worker of which there are 1,086 positions in North Carolina and 140,658 positions nationwide; a sorter of which there are 1,220 positions in North Carolina and 133,174 positions nationwide; and marker-labeler of which there are 2,010 positions in North Carolina and 185,254 positions nationwide.

I am allergic to bleach.
                                ~anonymous

Point-In-Time Count

January 30, 2013 is a very important date in North Carolina. We will be conducting a Point-in-Time Count. This count is important to all communities.

In an effort to provide needed services for the homeless in our area we take a count of those who are homeless and ask where they will be sleeping on that night, which provides a snapshot of those who experience homelessness throughout the year.

The Point-in-Time Count is a one-day, unduplicated count of sheltered and unsheltered homeless individuals and families in the country.

If you would like to be involved with the PIT count in Hickory, there will be a training session this Wednesday, January 16th. For information please email me at paulaheilbrun@hotmail.com.

He Set the Homeless Woman on Fire

I could not believe article I found today regarding a man pleading not guilty of setting a homeless woman on fire!

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2012/12/homeless-woman-torching-not-guilty-plea.html

Homelessness Questions?

I have over 40 posts scheduled to publish but I would like to know what you would like to read about. Do you have any topics you would like me to write about? Do you have any questions for me to answer? I would love your input!

National Coalition for the Homeless

The National Coalition for the Homeless publishes fact sheets on various aspects of homelessness. Each sheet summarizes facts and issues and contains a list of recommended reading for further research. There are also links to publications. They are also engaged in policy advocacy.The National Coalition for the Homeless sponsors many educational and organizing projects, special campaigns, and annual events. They work to empower homeless people, whose voices are essential to the public policy debate.

http://www.nationalhomeless.org/

North Carolina Homeless Information

The Carolina Homeless Information Network, CHIN, is North Carolina’s centralized homeless management information system. It is designed as a computerized, data collection tool to aggregate client-level information, over time, on characteristics, service needs and services utilization of individuals experiencing homelessness.

http://www.nchomeless.org/

God Speak - Pathway Outreach Ministries

April 27, 2011 Hickory, North Carolina, a beautiful sunny spring day filled with song birds. This particular day I was feeling exceptionally frustrated and stressed about being homeless, finding housing, and dealing with people for whom I was forced to live with at the homeless shelter. In a very loud (and disrespectful) voice I asked God, "God, what do you want me to learn from all this?!"

Attempting to change my attitude I started mentally listing five things that I was grateful for that day. I was grateful for having clean clothes to wear, for a bed to sleep in, for nice sneakers, for three meals a day, for my food stamps, and for Jesus dying on the cross, forgiving me of my sins, bridging contact with myself and God. Although finding housing and getting on disability wasn't happening as quickly as I wanted it to and exactly in the way I wanted it to, God was nonetheless still leading me in the direction he wanted me to go. He was with me all the time just as he promised. 

Walking down the sidewalk, the sun felt warm on my head. I couldn't tell you where I was going at the moment, but I remember where I was precisely when God spoke directly to me for the first time in my life. I was on the corner of 2nd Av. SW and Center Street, right across from Clark Tire. Approximately two hours after I posed the question to God, and as plain as if someone was standing next to me up to my ear, he said, "Paula, I want you to know how much I love you."

I immediately stopped walking. I felt my face flushing as I pivoted my head to the left and the right, looking for where that calm reassuring voice came from. All that I saw were cars traveling up and down the street. No one was there.

I wonder if anyone looked at me as I stood there on the corner looking around. They would have thought I was nuts. Immediately I felt humbled and apologized to God for the way I spoke to him and praised him for being so faithful and good to me. I promised him I would be open to his love and I focus on the words he said to me.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 17-19.

No matter how poorly I thought of myself at times, the love and grace of God was unstoppable in my life.

My praying continued as a constant daily conversation with God. I expressed my thankfulness, and told him that I wanted to give back to him for all that he had done for me. After his response on that April day, I had faith that he would definitely send me on the path I should go on.

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100:5

November 11th of 2011 God put it on my heart that he wanted me to work with other homeless persons of Hickory but he didn't tell me anything anymore specific than that. I just kept that thought in my head and on January 9th of 2012, I knew that I was to work in a street ministry, helping the homeless, like myself, decide which services in the community they might qualify for and help them sign up for them. It would also give me an opportunity to tell them about the involvement God has had in my life.

June 21, 2012, after realizing that I was doing exactly what I felt he wanted me to do, Pathway Outreach Ministries was born. I was introducing myself to the new men and women who came to stay at the Salvation Army Shelter of Hope and asking them if they knew what they were going to do next and if I could help them.

Pathway Outreach Ministries is small and unique. It does not overlap other services in the community. One on one contact with another person is powerful. Reaching out to others gives me such gratitude for what I have. I hope I can help instill hope in others like myself.

Here is a link to the website I have created for Pathway Outreach Ministries. http://pathwayoutreachministries.webs.com

Being Homeless

Being Homeless

Being homeless means wearing clothes you did not pick out.

Being homeless means eating what they give you.

Being homeless means having to hear a sermon before you can eat.

Being homeless means being asked for you ID by the police for being in the park.

Being homeless means hiding everything you own so no one will throw them away.

Being homeless means spending most of your day with addicts and the mentally ill, even if you yourself are not.

Being homeless means people are surprised you have an opinion on the presidential election.

Being homeless means walking several miles to eat.

Being homeless means eating meals in a soup kitchen no person would ever order in a restaurant.

Being homeless means rich church folks giving you second hand underwear.

Being homeless means standing in line for everything.

Being homeless means having to pee but local merchants won't let you use their bathroom.

Being homeless means crying when it rains, because everything you own is ruined.

Being homeless means having to choose between standing in line for hours to get food, clothing, or medical attention or going to work today.

Being homeless means paying $5 to cash that $47 check.

Being homeless means wondering how you are supposed to get a job when you cannot take a shower.

Being homeless means being afraid to tell anyone where you sleep.

Being homeless means talking to your children on a borrowed phone.

Being homeless means being afraid to hope anymore.

                                                     ~anonymous

Forgiving Myself

The Courage to Forgive Myself

“How could you do that?” – was a question I asked myself many times daily.

When I was a newly recovering addict, I had such a pile of regrets there was just no way that I could ever be forgiven.

Ruminating about the depth of my shame caused increasing feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. I resented and loathed myself so much that for months getting up out of bed and functioning for a day was the only goal I set.  Focused on what a horrible person I was, I felt that I wasn’t deserving of anything good at all.

Even as I went through active addiction over that past 10 years, I was close to God. I attended a women’s bible study and church service on Sunday. I believe that because I had been searching for God and wanting him to help me, he heard me and got me to where I needed to go: a superb treatment facility for my addictions. After completing treatment, I believed that Jesus had forgiven me, but I didn't feel forgiven. I felt hopeless and defeated.

Everywhere I went, everything I did, I dragged along an armful of musty smelling old luggage with name-tags hanging from the handles saying “shame.” I was forever in a state of self-flagellation. I couldn't forgive myself.

Imprisoned by memories that might never let me go, I was surviving but not living. I became despondent. I was in bondage. I believed that forgiving myself would meant that I wasn't taking any responsibility for what I did. I wanted to take responsibility and never repeat those bad behaviors again.

Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I had lived like that for 9 years. Insanity was no longer an option.

In Hickory, North Carolina, there is a day weekday shelter program specifically for women that provides safety, shelter, and a positive program. There is a van that picks women up at the homeless shelter around 8:30 am or you can walk there yourself.  Days are structured. Walking into in building in the morning, you sign in and take a point’s sheet. Listed are ways that you earn points to get toiletries, underwear, socks, umbrellas, clothes, cosmetics and bus passes. Friday is the day you can cash in your points.

Every weekday the program starts at 9 am with Bible study and devotions. A volunteer usually comes in and leads the session. Afterwards, until lunch, there are various activities like playing games, doing crafts, reading, cleaning, watch a movie, play bingo, etc. until lunch.

One day I was reading a book I borrowed at the day program to earn points titled Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer. She explained how she was having a difficult time feeling forgiven about some things she had done in her life even though she knew God had forgiven her. She realized that problem was that she hadn't forgiven herself.

That was an epiphany for me. Realizing that not forgiving myself was not doing anything positive for me

or anyone else that I had wronged, I mentally summed up the courage and was willing to try to forgive myself.

Within only a day’s time, I felt more optimistic. I envisioned dropping off that armful of baggage that I had lugged around with me and continued walking down life's highway without them. I didn't look back; I just walked forward down the road. I felt the sun on my face. I would not let my past behaviors define me. Increasing my faith in God was necessary if I was going to get back on track and start doing positive things in my life.

I told God that I was sorry for not forgiving myself. If God forgave me, why wouldn't I forgive myself?

Nothing is more powerful and freeing than forgiveness. If I hadn’t forgive myself it would mean that I believed the lies of what a worthless person I was that Satan put in my head. My thoughts and feelings don’t always originate from me. Don’t underestimate the power of evil. Remember the devil recited scripture when he was tempting Jesus in the wilderness (Matthew 4:1). I experienced a freedom. I could now choose what I wanted to focus on.

By letting go of the fear that I would repeat my atrocious past behavior, I put my trust in God that he would help me not repeat those behaviors if I only asked and followed His will for my life. Since February of 2011 I have poured my love and attention into what God wants me to do. I opened myself to the idea of hope through forgiveness. I just had to try.

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30.

Homelessness is a Courage Developer

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Who the hell is going to read that crap that you write? You are homeless… a nobody.”

Homelessness has developed a new-found courage within me. In so many areas of my life I feel as if I am moving forward in the roominess of a fresh start. Gone are many earlier reservations of trying something new. 

I have trepidations regarding writing. While I have only been blogging for week, I have made such great progress.

I am an over educated homeless woman. While teachers educate us, they also have the capacity to strip away individuality, imagination, and uniqueness. In the summer 1983, when I was between the 11th and 12th grade, I started taking college classes at Jamestown Community College, beginning with core required writing classes. I enjoyed writing and it came easy for me. I remember peacefully sitting on a classic retro aluminum folding lawn chair on our back patio listening to the birds while writing drafts in a spiral notebook. I earned “A's” in both classes.

Jamestown Community College
Jamestown New York

Moving forward, the Bachelor’s program in Elementary Education required that I have a concentration. Some choices were Reading, Math, Special Education, and English. I chose English. I enjoyed every literature class and “A’s” came easy until I took a class on comedy writing. I ended up with a ‘B’ even though I worked harder in that class than any of my other literature, linguistic, and writing classes. I fervently tried to decipher and emulate exactly what the professor was looking for. I never really got it right.

I moved on to a Master’s Degree Program in Early Childhood Education. While graduate school demands more technical writing like would be in peer-reviewed research journals, I gravitated to the in-depth study of understanding of human behavior called qualitative research. 

I felt good about my writing and research and presented my research and findings at both national and international conferences.

Many professionals feel that qualitative research isn't "real research." The preferred research methodology is still the number-crunching quantitative variety. Qualitative research is scrutinized as biased. However, anytime there are humans involved in any research there will be bias and subjectivity.

I discovered what horror writing could be while working on my Ph.D. One professor was never really satisfied with my papers. There was a VERY SPECIFIC manner in which he wanted me to write. I tried and tried and tried to figure it out and emulate it but I failed miserably to get it right. Unfortunately, the professor I couldn't make happy was my advisor.

I developed a fear of writing. The fear of writing became so bad that it became a challenge for me to turn papers in on time. I went over and over my papers and never felt that they were right  I underwent Behavioral Counseling over this struggle and I also went to the Office of Disability Services to meet with a counselor one on one to go over my papers. None of the half-dozen counselors who read my papers ever found a problem with anything I wrote. I had another student in my classes read my papers. He would switch a few of the words around and the paper would read much better, but I wasn't able to make my advisor any happier with the next paper.

In May of the spring semester, my advisor said that he wanted to see me in his office. I followed him in and sat down. "Paula, I just don’t think that you are quite up to par with the rest of the students in your cohort.” The department gave my Research Assistantship and Tuition Waiver to another student. In reality I was being told I could get a doctorate, but not from this university. He told that I just didn't process information right in my head. This couldn't be happening. I relocated to North Carolina, 13 hours away from my home, and had spent 4 grueling semesters to get to this far. I was not able to attain a Ph.D. because I couldn't afford the tuition.

I am still carrying the fear, but I am dedicated to getting past it and once again enjoy writing. I am a lifetime fan and follower of ‘feel the fear and do it anyway.’ Homelessness has given me an attitude of "it can only get better from here," and I have a fresh courage to try different things to help me feel that I am able to contribute to the betterment of society. I wish I still had the retro lawn chair!

 God is Good All the Time

Homelessness Research

I would like to pass along a link to The Selected Works of Dennis P. Culhane, a researcher at the University of Pennsylvania, who's research focus is in the area of homelessness and assisted housing policy. 


http://homeless.samhsa.gov/Search.aspx?tagId=6163&search=Culhane%2C+Dennis