Leaving Treatment - Part II

“You’ll be high as a kite after taking all those pills tonight won’t you?”

There was a call over the intercom after I finished dinner that my driver was waiting on me.

I went directly to my counselor’s office and told her that I refused to go. Once again, her face turned red. I just looked at her. She got up and told me to follow her and we went to the director’s office. It felt like this was a ‘her versus me’ situation although I didn't mean it to be that way. She told the director her story and then I respectfully (surprising myself) explained how beds were given out at an emergency shelter.

He didn't seem angry. He understood what I said, smiled and told me that they would try again tomorrow. My counselor and I didn't talk after that and I do feel bad about it. I never meant any disrespect to her and I know that my actions really pissed her off.

The next day I was ready to go once again as my name was called over the intercom about 1 pm. So far, so good. The driver and I loaded the car and away we went. I had been to Hickory about six times previously  because we would go to my X’s mom’s house on holidays; however, I only knew how to get to her house, Wal-Mart, and the mall. I had no idea where this shelter was. I also wondered how rough the clients at The Salvation Army Shelter would be. I had been at a homeless shelter in Greensboro, NC and let me tell you – it was rough - people who looked tough, crazy, or just scary.

I was thinking as we drove. “How am I going to play this out when I get to the shelter? I am going to try to appear tough, mad, and just a little bit crazy.” If you want people to leave you alone, just act like you are a few Crayolas short of a box. They will actually make a physical effort to stay out of your way.

I got there a little before 3 pm. The worker at the shelter came out and opened a locked gate for us. He told me I could leave my stuff in the shelter but I couldn't come in until 3:30 pm. He directed me down a hill next to the shelter where there stood as gazebo. I could wait there until it was time for the shelter to open.

The driver helped me carry my things into the building, and I thanked him. He wished me the best and said he was confident that I would be just fine. It felt good to hear that because I wasn’t feeling all that confident at that moment.

There is an attitude of desperation and self-preservation that many of the homeless people I met have had. They act somewhat like a crouched tiger; always ready to respond to whatever danger arises. When you are shoved together with a large group of persons of different backgrounds and many personalities, it can be precarious. You need to be ready to defend yourself verbally or physically if necessary. And it isn't a matter of IF something happens; something IS going to happen sooner or later.

I walked down to the gazebo. It was a cool and overcast outside. I wasn't there alone for very long. People who were staying at the shelter were allowed to come onto the property at 3 pm and wait at the gazebo until 3:30 pm. The people I met seemed very nice but I wasn't going to let my walls down. This was only a small sample of the people who stayed there.

Gazebo and uphill path to Shelter Door

At 3:30 pm the worker came out and called down to the gazebo that everyone could come up now. I followed the crowd.

While I was at treatment, I was prepping myself to be a different person than I had in the past. One of the areas that I needed to work on most was my people skills. I was so quick to go on the defense. The new me was going to remember that I don’t have to react- I can choose how to react. I wasn't going to be great at this for a while and that was OK. I would work on progress not perfection. I would have to practice this new non-reactive Paula much sooner than I expected.

Clayton was the shelter monitor who was working that day. He called me into the office right away and started completing the intake process with me.  First, I had to take a drug test. Of course I was clean. So he took me into his office, closed the door, and started explaining to me how things went at the shelter. He handed me a copy of the rules booklet and I followed along in the booklet with while he read it aloud. I initialed the bottom of every page. There were so many rules! There was no way that I was going to be able to remember all this. “Three strikes and you’re gone,” he said as he pointed to the door. Man, he was cocky. I was hoping I wasn't doomed to end up on the street.

After we had gone through the booklet, he asked for my medications- all medications, even aspirin and Tums, were kept in a cabinet in the shelter monitor’s office. One by one he picked up my medicine bottles as he filled out a medication form. When he finally finished I watched him put the bottles in a Rubbermaid container and place them in the cabinet.

He turned back to me and said, “You’ll be high as a kite after taking all those pills tonight won’t you?”

Oh wow, did he really say what I think he said?  My anger meter went from 0 to 10 in less than a second. I took a breath and reminded myself that I didn't have to react. “No, sir,” I said. I was angry but I was trying not to lose my bed over it. I had just gotten out of treatment and he knew that. How could he be so insensitive?

With that over with I followed him into a laundry room in the women’s area  where I was given a fitted sheet, a top sheet, a blanket, a pillow, a wash cloth and a towel and led down the hall to my room.

                                                ……………to be continued in part III

Epilogue: Clayton was fired two months after I had arrived at the shelter for inappropriate behavior which was caught on tape. He really went out of his way to make clients’ lives more miserable than they already were. He wasn't into giving any warnings for any rule infractions. He absolutely loved writing people up for minor infractions to the rules. In addition if someone got written up, he made sure that everyone else heard him call clients’ names to go into the office.