There is No Limit

It’s very difficult trying to help the homeless. The more time passes since my homelessness, the more I want to just distance myself from all the remaining homeless. It’s depressing to see hurting people and I’m tired of being depressed. Part of my reasoning for helping other homeless is that since I have been there before, I feel that I have better insight about what people need to do to get out of their desperate situation; at least I know what worked for me. Most times, people I try to help feel that no matter what they do, they don’t have any power to create any positive change in their lives. They focus on the negatives of the situation they are in and as a result don’t do anything to help themselves.

Sure there are times that you try and try and try and don’t seem to get anywhere. For example finding work. I am still looking for work. I have filled out way too many job applications online and met and talked to owners and managers of businesses with no avail. I am also working through vocational rehabilitation and have a job coach. I know I have to keep on doing what I am doing even though it’s pointless at times and I will tell you why.

An old friend of mine, Albert has been homeless for about 4 years. He is a white veteran in his early 30s. He does not look for employment and has the same whiny rhetoric about his plight of being homeless and jobless year after year. Who is more apt to get a job – the person who is applying and searching or the person who whines about not having work? Yes, your life sucks and I see that you are unhappy but you have been doing the same things and whining about the same things for 4 years! Since you aren’t any better off than 4 years ago, whatever you are doing is definitely not working. Try doing something different! Life is more than selling your $200 of food stamps for $100 cash so you can buy marijuana. You deserve more! You are the righteousness of God meaning that you are in a right relationship with God thanks to the death and resurrection of His son, Jesus Christ.

Pain and suffering are part of everyone’s life regardless of socioeconomic status. When you pray to God, ask him to allow you to experience His love and comfort (consolation and encouragement) in a tangible way. When you are feeling bad, crawl up onto the lap of God, hide your face in the softness of his chest, cry and allow yourself to feel him rock you, his arms holding you close to Him. Allow yourself to feel the unfathomable and immeasurable love that the Father has for you.

When I get frustrated with people I will say to myself, “Why should I try to help these people. All they want is something given to them for free. I was there, and I’m not now. Their homelessness is their problem, not mine. Why do I want to surround myself with such depressing people? They don’t want to do anything to help themselves so why should I try?” To help put myself back into the proper mindset for helping others, I turn to the bible.

Today I am reading II Corinthians. When I start feeling like I want to distance myself from the homeless I need to tell myself that I am judging them and that’s not right. Judging is God’s job. How many times did someone try to help me and I turned a deaf ear to them? How many times did God listen to me whine? There is no limit to God’s love, therefore there won’t be any limit to my reaching out to people in need of a lifeline. My service to the homeless will also know no limit. Although I do not receive any financial compensation for my time my reward comes from the thankfulness I have in my heart for God helping me get away from drugs and showing me the path to walk down to restore my life. That is also where the title of my ministry – Pathway Outreach Ministries – comes from.

My job is to bring grieving people comfort and hope. I listen to them, and I explain what happened to me and what the mercy and grace of God did for me. I introduce others to Christ and the rest is up to God. My dream is for every homes person to feel the joyful and confident expectation that they will not be homeless for the rest of their lives. God is on their side, he’s their greatest cheerleader, and what they do does matter and can make a difference.

If you would like to donate to Pathway Outreach Ministries, please contact me at paulaheilbrun@hotmail.com.

His Time Ran Out Today

            You just never know what is going to happen when you get up in the morning. Today was one of those days.

            Today I went to Cooperative Christian Ministries pharmacy to drop off medicine bottles to be refilled. I was not noticing who was sitting in the main lobby when I walked through the door but suddenly I felt a tickle in my brain. Were a guy’s shape and the coat he wore familiar? While rifling through my backpack I turned my head and looked over towards the lobby. The breath in my throat caught. Yes, I definitely knew this man. I finished my errand and walked back through the lobby the way I came in and didn’t make any eye contact with him whatsoever.

            After I got outside I found the non-emergency police phone number in my phone and pressed send. I was patched to a Hickory policeman working desk. I explained the situation, told him where this guy was, and hoped for the best. This was actually the third time trying to get this guy served. I walked into the adjoining CCM thrift shop, bought 4 coffee mugs and started on my way back home. While going down the road I saw a police car traveling slowly toward CCM. Was it possible that they were indeed coming to arrest this guy? I turned my bike around and went back to CCM. I found two cop cars in the parking lot but there weren’t any policemen in them. Putting my bike in the bike rack, I could see two policemen through the window talking to Richard Lawrence Robinson in the lobby. I didn’t lock up my bike but instead walked directly into the lobby.

            I was determined to not let this guy get away with this any longer. I told the police that he was the assailant and I was the victim. I also looked at the assailant, “Today is the day your time has run out.” He acted so bewildered and unknowing of any criminal summons the police were telling him about. After I knew they were going to take him in, I took my bike and started towards home again. When I looked back over my shoulder, I saw the police frisking him with his hands on the police car. They then cuffed him and helped him into the police car. My feelings and adrenaline were overwhelming. I was shaking so hard I could barely hold onto my phone. I had to talk to someone so I went to God in prayer and made it through the next hour the best that I could.

            This man in the lobby sexually assaulted me in November 2011. He took advantage of his position as a peer support specialist and my emotional state at the time when I was not only homeless but my boyfriend at the time was leaving me for someone he had found on the internet. The incident occurred in the office of The Grace House when it was on Highland Ave.

            When I went to the police station to fill out a report, the magistrate wasn’t sure if he was going to create a summons or put a warrant out for his arrest. The homeless aren’t treated as other people in the city would in similar circumstances so the magistrate issued a summons. On top of that the magistrate didn’t call what had happened sexual assault but assault against a female instead. I gave the police the only information I had on this man at the time. I didn’t personally know him so I didn’t even know his full name and certainly didn’t know his home address. The information I had wasn’t enough because they weren’t able find him to serve him.

            I wrote to the Special Victim’s Division Unit in Charlotte, North Carolina and I received a phone call from them only to tell me that there wasn’t anything they could do. They said when he goes to renew his ID or get a driver’s license or gets a ticket for something is when the police will finally catch up with him. There wasn’t anything I or they could do. 

            On my way home I began to worry. Did I just put my personal safety in danger by getting this man arrested? What about the safety of my boyfriend? People who had never been victimized don’t realize what being victimized feels like and how many times you have to relive the horror of the situation until it’s finally played all the way out. It’s the act itself, then having to explain the entire situation to a police officer, then having to explain the whole thing again to a magistrate, then having to explain it every time you try to get the police involved to get the assailant served, then it’s reliving the whole thing all over again when the guy is arrested, and the worry of repercussions to yourself or your family finally culminating in a court date all over the ILLEGAL BEHAVIOR OF SOMEONE ELSE. I still have court ahead of me. I’m sure that the assailant’s lawyer will try to make me out to be some promiscuous loose woman who pushed herself onto the assailant.

            Back in November of 2001 I was approached by a ‘pastor’ who told me that this poor man was just going through a lot and that I should just drop the charges. I was so dumbfounded at the time that I couldn’t think of any response to what he said. Looking back on it, I should have asked him if he would say the same thing to his mother or his sister if what had happened to me had happened to them.

            Whatever happens now is in God’s hands. I will accept whatever happens. I know that I wasn’t the first or only woman this guy has done this to. I have had other women come up to me and tell about things this guy said and did to them. I made a statement to Partners Behavioral Health where he had received his peer support specialist certification through and they immediately repealed his certification. His behavior was completely unacceptable to them and I hope the court will see it in the same fashion.

             

Successful Point in Time Count

In an effort to access the needs of the homeless in Catawba and Burke Counties, a Point in Time Count of the sheltered and unsheltered homeless individuals and families took place January 30^th, 2013. Also counted were those families and individuals who were looking at a eviction from their homes within the next 14 days. Despite the bad weather, we had a great turnout.

We conducted a demographic survey interview for every person who came to be counted at The Grace House in Hickory and First Methodist Church in Newton. This annual count is also a good time to give away items that the homeless say they are in need of. Items consisted of backpacks, socks, winter hats and gloves, flashlights, batteries, shoestrings, and toiletries. Once a survey interview was completed, participants were given a ticket to browse for free and receive a lunch graciously donated by Chick-fil-A.

These interviews provide the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development a snapshot of those who experience homelessness throughout the year. The Point-in-Time Count is a one-day, unduplicated count of homeless individuals and families throughout the country. This annual point-in-time count aims to measure homelessness over the course of one night every January.

This data provides documentation of the homeless issues and gaps in our community. This data drives local, state and federal funding for housing and program opportunities for seniors, veterans, unaccompanied youth, individuals with HIV/AIDS, individuals with mental health, substance abuse and intellectual disabilities, etc. – all the issues and gaps we discuss in our local community outreach meetings.

This was the first year I not only completed a survey myself, but also co-lead the collection with Teena Willis of Partners Behavioral Health at The Grace House location in Hickory. Many people I already knew either because I was homeless with them or had worked with them through Pathway Outreach Ministries which I am the director of. While I enjoyed meeting people one on one, I was heartbroken every time someone confessed that they didn't know where they were going to be sleeping that night.

Leaving Treatment - Part II

“You’ll be high as a kite after taking all those pills tonight won’t you?”

There was a call over the intercom after I finished dinner that my driver was waiting on me.

I went directly to my counselor’s office and told her that I refused to go. Once again, her face turned red. I just looked at her. She got up and told me to follow her and we went to the director’s office. It felt like this was a ‘her versus me’ situation although I didn't mean it to be that way. She told the director her story and then I respectfully (surprising myself) explained how beds were given out at an emergency shelter.

He didn't seem angry. He understood what I said, smiled and told me that they would try again tomorrow. My counselor and I didn't talk after that and I do feel bad about it. I never meant any disrespect to her and I know that my actions really pissed her off.

The next day I was ready to go once again as my name was called over the intercom about 1 pm. So far, so good. The driver and I loaded the car and away we went. I had been to Hickory about six times previously  because we would go to my X’s mom’s house on holidays; however, I only knew how to get to her house, Wal-Mart, and the mall. I had no idea where this shelter was. I also wondered how rough the clients at The Salvation Army Shelter would be. I had been at a homeless shelter in Greensboro, NC and let me tell you – it was rough - people who looked tough, crazy, or just scary.

I was thinking as we drove. “How am I going to play this out when I get to the shelter? I am going to try to appear tough, mad, and just a little bit crazy.” If you want people to leave you alone, just act like you are a few Crayolas short of a box. They will actually make a physical effort to stay out of your way.

I got there a little before 3 pm. The worker at the shelter came out and opened a locked gate for us. He told me I could leave my stuff in the shelter but I couldn't come in until 3:30 pm. He directed me down a hill next to the shelter where there stood as gazebo. I could wait there until it was time for the shelter to open.

The driver helped me carry my things into the building, and I thanked him. He wished me the best and said he was confident that I would be just fine. It felt good to hear that because I wasn’t feeling all that confident at that moment.

There is an attitude of desperation and self-preservation that many of the homeless people I met have had. They act somewhat like a crouched tiger; always ready to respond to whatever danger arises. When you are shoved together with a large group of persons of different backgrounds and many personalities, it can be precarious. You need to be ready to defend yourself verbally or physically if necessary. And it isn't a matter of IF something happens; something IS going to happen sooner or later.

I walked down to the gazebo. It was a cool and overcast outside. I wasn't there alone for very long. People who were staying at the shelter were allowed to come onto the property at 3 pm and wait at the gazebo until 3:30 pm. The people I met seemed very nice but I wasn't going to let my walls down. This was only a small sample of the people who stayed there.

Gazebo and uphill path to Shelter Door

At 3:30 pm the worker came out and called down to the gazebo that everyone could come up now. I followed the crowd.

While I was at treatment, I was prepping myself to be a different person than I had in the past. One of the areas that I needed to work on most was my people skills. I was so quick to go on the defense. The new me was going to remember that I don’t have to react- I can choose how to react. I wasn't going to be great at this for a while and that was OK. I would work on progress not perfection. I would have to practice this new non-reactive Paula much sooner than I expected.

Clayton was the shelter monitor who was working that day. He called me into the office right away and started completing the intake process with me.  First, I had to take a drug test. Of course I was clean. So he took me into his office, closed the door, and started explaining to me how things went at the shelter. He handed me a copy of the rules booklet and I followed along in the booklet with while he read it aloud. I initialed the bottom of every page. There were so many rules! There was no way that I was going to be able to remember all this. “Three strikes and you’re gone,” he said as he pointed to the door. Man, he was cocky. I was hoping I wasn't doomed to end up on the street.

After we had gone through the booklet, he asked for my medications- all medications, even aspirin and Tums, were kept in a cabinet in the shelter monitor’s office. One by one he picked up my medicine bottles as he filled out a medication form. When he finally finished I watched him put the bottles in a Rubbermaid container and place them in the cabinet.

He turned back to me and said, “You’ll be high as a kite after taking all those pills tonight won’t you?”

Oh wow, did he really say what I think he said?  My anger meter went from 0 to 10 in less than a second. I took a breath and reminded myself that I didn't have to react. “No, sir,” I said. I was angry but I was trying not to lose my bed over it. I had just gotten out of treatment and he knew that. How could he be so insensitive?

With that over with I followed him into a laundry room in the women’s area  where I was given a fitted sheet, a top sheet, a blanket, a pillow, a wash cloth and a towel and led down the hall to my room.

                                                ……………to be continued in part III

Epilogue: Clayton was fired two months after I had arrived at the shelter for inappropriate behavior which was caught on tape. He really went out of his way to make clients’ lives more miserable than they already were. He wasn't into giving any warnings for any rule infractions. He absolutely loved writing people up for minor infractions to the rules. In addition if someone got written up, he made sure that everyone else heard him call clients’ names to go into the office.